Satire: How to Raid Lead Pugs

WoWScrnShot_070815_221517(Warning: Heavy Satire)
So you wanna be one of those hot shot raid leaders.  You wanna make the calls and decide who comes, but you’ve already been kicked out of your guild raid team.  Where can you go to lead? Luckily for you, Blizzard has implemented the Group Finder function where anyone can create groups for anything.  Which means you can finally live your dream of being the master of a raid group! But before you begin, here are 10 tips to keep in mine while leading pug raids.

1)  Knowledge of the fights is completely arbitrary
When leading a raid, you absolutely do not need to know what the fights are like.  You are already putting this group together, do you have to hand hold them through mechanics as well? The tanks should be explaining the fights, and if they don’t they are bad and deserve to be kicked.  Don’t waste your precious leader time explaining, just get pulling!

2) Your ilvl requirement must be high or you will fail
A good rule to go by is the ilvl of the gear dropped in the raid +20 points.  So for Normal Highmaul, look for people ilvl 675 or above.  The people in your pug must be at least that high, otherwise you will wipe endlessly. However, your own ilvl is inconsequential.  These folks should be carrying you anyway, that’s their job as puggers!

3) Failure should be dealt with swiftly and mercilessly
If anyone messes up any mechanic or accidentally pulls anything at all, they should be immediately kicked.  How are you to know that they won’t make that mistake again? In order to keep a successful group, failure must be eradicated.

4) Always have an excuse ready if you are the one who fails
A weak leader who makes mistakes loses the respect of the rest of the pug.  If you happen to make any mistakes, be sure to blame it on lag, a cat on your keyboard, or someone elses’s mistake (best option).  Owning up to a mistake will only cause chaos as the puggers will no longer believe in your skillz and will begin to jump ship.

5) Foster a ‘No Questions’ environment
The best pugs are the ones where no one asks any silly questions about fight mechanics.  If someone does happen to ask a question about a fight, they obviously aren’t good enough to be in your pug and must be kicked.

6) Play the Blame Game well
When something does go wrong, be quick with who you blame.  The best options are those who are under-performing or anyone who has expressed dislike in the way you run your pugs.  These people are obviously trying to bring you down and should be shamed and then kicked.

7) Be vague about loot system
Make sure to never directly answer which loot system you will be using.  If you settle on one system, people are bound to drop group right away because most puggers are pansies.  That being said, Master Loot is the best system since it allows you to pocket all the boss drops and BoEs that are rightfully yours.  If someone has a problem with this, they are just greedy and jealous of you and also deserve a kick.

8) Deal with AFKs promptly
If anyone happens to say something along the lines of ‘afk, brb, or one second’ they are just preparing to troll your group.  They will stay away from their keyboard for hours until everyone in the group has dropped while waiting for them.  Such players need to be kicked as soon as they mention how they are stepping away.  You can’t let such people undermine your group!
However, if a person has been on auto-follow or offline for a while, don’t kick them just yet.  Wait a good fifteen- twenty minutes before kicking because they have a high chance of coming back any second now.  These players are the good eggs, they aren’t trolling you with their ‘I’ll be right back, just give me a second!’ garbage.

9) When attempting any last bosses, require the Ahead of the Curve achievement
How else are you supposed to know if these people know the fight? It’s imperative that you require AotC for Imperator, Blackhand, and Archimonde if you are going to down them.  The more AotC’s the better in fact.  An AotC is basically an instant invite for anyone, regardless of ilvl.  If the person has downed these bosses before, they know the fights like no one else but Blizzard itself.

10) Remember that you are the one who matters here
You are the one who set this raid up which automatically makes you the most important person in this raid.  Make sure that all the raid does benefits you.  It certainly doesn’t hurt to remind the other puggers who is the real reason for why they are all there.  Your leadership is extraordinary and they are all lucky to be in your pug.  Ignore complaints and kick dissenters and you will find glory!

Follow these 10 tips and you are assured success! Now go get ’em!

(Disclaimer: Yeah, please don’t do this folks.  For actual pugging leading advice, I would check out this article on Blizzard Watch)

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One thought on “Satire: How to Raid Lead Pugs

  1. Perfect guide for the would-be Pre-made RL!
    Even putting the disclaimer at the end is perfect for them as there is no way they would have read that far down 🙂

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