Satire: How to Raid Lead Pugs

WoWScrnShot_070815_221517(Warning: Heavy Satire)
So you wanna be one of those hot shot raid leaders.  You wanna make the calls and decide who comes, but you’ve already been kicked out of your guild raid team.  Where can you go to lead? Luckily for you, Blizzard has implemented the Group Finder function where anyone can create groups for anything.  Which means you can finally live your dream of being the master of a raid group! But before you begin, here are 10 tips to keep in mine while leading pug raids.

1)  Knowledge of the fights is completely arbitrary
When leading a raid, you absolutely do not need to know what the fights are like.  You are already putting this group together, do you have to hand hold them through mechanics as well? The tanks should be explaining the fights, and if they don’t they are bad and deserve to be kicked.  Don’t waste your precious leader time explaining, just get pulling!

2) Your ilvl requirement must be high or you will fail
A good rule to go by is the ilvl of the gear dropped in the raid +20 points.  So for Normal Highmaul, look for people ilvl 675 or above.  The people in your pug must be at least that high, otherwise you will wipe endlessly. However, your own ilvl is inconsequential.  These folks should be carrying you anyway, that’s their job as puggers!

3) Failure should be dealt with swiftly and mercilessly
If anyone messes up any mechanic or accidentally pulls anything at all, they should be immediately kicked.  How are you to know that they won’t make that mistake again? In order to keep a successful group, failure must be eradicated.

4) Always have an excuse ready if you are the one who fails
A weak leader who makes mistakes loses the respect of the rest of the pug.  If you happen to make any mistakes, be sure to blame it on lag, a cat on your keyboard, or someone elses’s mistake (best option).  Owning up to a mistake will only cause chaos as the puggers will no longer believe in your skillz and will begin to jump ship.

5) Foster a ‘No Questions’ environment
The best pugs are the ones where no one asks any silly questions about fight mechanics.  If someone does happen to ask a question about a fight, they obviously aren’t good enough to be in your pug and must be kicked.

6) Play the Blame Game well
When something does go wrong, be quick with who you blame.  The best options are those who are under-performing or anyone who has expressed dislike in the way you run your pugs.  These people are obviously trying to bring you down and should be shamed and then kicked.

7) Be vague about loot system
Make sure to never directly answer which loot system you will be using.  If you settle on one system, people are bound to drop group right away because most puggers are pansies.  That being said, Master Loot is the best system since it allows you to pocket all the boss drops and BoEs that are rightfully yours.  If someone has a problem with this, they are just greedy and jealous of you and also deserve a kick.

8) Deal with AFKs promptly
If anyone happens to say something along the lines of ‘afk, brb, or one second’ they are just preparing to troll your group.  They will stay away from their keyboard for hours until everyone in the group has dropped while waiting for them.  Such players need to be kicked as soon as they mention how they are stepping away.  You can’t let such people undermine your group!
However, if a person has been on auto-follow or offline for a while, don’t kick them just yet.  Wait a good fifteen- twenty minutes before kicking because they have a high chance of coming back any second now.  These players are the good eggs, they aren’t trolling you with their ‘I’ll be right back, just give me a second!’ garbage.

9) When attempting any last bosses, require the Ahead of the Curve achievement
How else are you supposed to know if these people know the fight? It’s imperative that you require AotC for Imperator, Blackhand, and Archimonde if you are going to down them.  The more AotC’s the better in fact.  An AotC is basically an instant invite for anyone, regardless of ilvl.  If the person has downed these bosses before, they know the fights like no one else but Blizzard itself.

10) Remember that you are the one who matters here
You are the one who set this raid up which automatically makes you the most important person in this raid.  Make sure that all the raid does benefits you.  It certainly doesn’t hurt to remind the other puggers who is the real reason for why they are all there.  Your leadership is extraordinary and they are all lucky to be in your pug.  Ignore complaints and kick dissenters and you will find glory!

Follow these 10 tips and you are assured success! Now go get ’em!

(Disclaimer: Yeah, please don’t do this folks.  For actual pugging leading advice, I would check out this article on Blizzard Watch)

Satire: So You’ve Been Banned for Botting

banned(Warning: Heavy Satire)

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My friends you find yourself here because you have a problem.  A problem that I can help you fix.  I know this problem well as I have faced it many times.  Each time I have overcome it.  Let me teach you how to do the same.
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So You’ve Been Banned from WoW for Botting
First things first, make sure that you have actually been banned.  Blizzard is a corporation made of pansies and lily-livered ninnies and often times they threaten to do things and never follow through.  Especially when that thing is ban botters.

You see, the truth is Blizzard is terrified of us botters.  We have figured out how to avoid their greedy corporate scheme to actually get us to play the game.  Blizzard is actually scared of us botters; we have found the secret.  No longer must we level, raid, farm, or do anything else at all in game manually.

This knowledge is power, and this power of ours is why Blizzard is so afraid of us.  Always remember, Blizzard fears you.  And because they fear you, they hate you.  You personally.  If they got the chance, they would smash your computer right in front of your face.   Burn all the remains and dance in the ashes.  They have a picture of your face (yours!) and they draw moustaches and horns on it for fun.  Because that’s how much they are afraid and that’s how much they hate.

If you haven’t been banned, great! Continue flashing that middle finger of righteousness to Blizzard by botting.

If you have been banned, continue reading.

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But why me?????
As we have touched on before, Blizzard hates your guts with a burning passion.   And as such, they will ban you to spite you.  While they cackle with glee.  In their mom’s basement.  Which is also Blizzard headquarters.  Yeah, they are total nerds like that.

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WTF I’ve been botting for 9 years now, why was I caught???
It sounds to me like you are an unlucky one!  As it has been proven time and time again, the amount of time you’ve been botting is directly proportional to your chances of getting caught.  The longer you have been botting, the less likely you are to be caught.  Blizzard is also dumb (did I mention this?) and if they don’t catch you in the first couple months they will never check your account.

Unfortunately this tried and true rule goes out the window when Blizzard does huge ban waves like this most recent one.

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Huge ban waves? What does that mean?
Think of it this way: Blizzard is a fisherman.  They only want to catch the sexy silvery fish (us botters) but we hide within a larger crowd of fat ugly fish (all the non botting nerds).  Blizzard is really stupid, so they just throw a huge net in and pull out a bunch of random fish.  They then throw back all the ugly fish, leaving all the sexy fish exposed to Blizzard.  In a situation like this, there is really nothing you can do but pray to the RNGods that you don’t get caught in the net.

Luckily for us though, they don’t often throw out nets since they are so terrified of us clever (and sexy) botters.

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This is great and all, but I still banned!
At this point, you must bust out your trusty thesaurus and typing skillz.  This is where you confront Blizzard directly.  Mano a Mano.

Which is the best way tell Blizzard how bleeping stupid this ban is?
There are many good ways to give Blizzard a piece of your mind! Some of these include:
(editor’s note: Please don’t actually do this folks! Blizzard is a company made of real people with real feelings!)

  • Raging on the official forums
  • Harassing them on Twitter
  • Complaining on a botting site
  • Giving them bad reviews on Amazon
  • Sending them a strongly worded letter
  • Driving to Blizzard Headquarters personally
  • Smoke signals of hatred
  • Telling on them to your parents
  • Burning all your Blizzard merchandise

and my personal favorite

  • Creating a United States Petition to get Blizzard to change their ways

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What do I say to those maggotbags????
What you actually say has very little importance; the tone is what really matters.  Anger and disgust are a must, throw in some condescending or vulgarity for better results!  Remember to use many exclamation points and profanity.  Blizzard is more likely to take you seriously if you cuss at them.  And use that thesaurus to really get in a variety of swears.   You need to come across as big, bad, and scary.  Remember: Blizzard is terrified of you, use that power!

If all goes well, you should have your account back within 24 hours! Good job, you certainly showed them in a mature and well reasoned way!

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I still firetruckin’ banned? Now what???
Obviously you are weak with your words.  Continue to show Blizzard your displeasure and make sure to follow my advice exactly.  Do better next time scrub.

If you for some reason don’t have the fingers to type, voice to shout, feet to operate a car, or hands to create a fire, you can take the second option.  Quit all Blizzard Games forever.  You definitely won’t be back in 6 months when your ban ends! Nope! Not at all! Ha ha, that isn’t a new account, nope! WoW is dying anyway, why would anyone play this stupid dead game? Hah, you certainly showed them!

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I give up, I’m just gunna wait out until the ban ends
Do you want Blizzard to win?? Do you want to give in to the corporate greed?? DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO ACTUALLY PLAYING THE GAME??? You sicken me.

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Last Words
Never lose sight you your goals fellow botters! We are the supreme WoW players! Unlike everyone else who has to slog through and actually play the game, we have risen above that.  We are the enlightened few who have witnessed the truth! Never surrender, never give up!

And most of all, never manually play the game!!

(Disclaimer: Don’t bot guys, its cheating and foolish.  And don’t spew hatred when you get caught doing something bad.  In fact, don’t spew hatred at all.)

Satire: Stop Catering to the Casuals Blizzard!

Wow is dead!(Warning: Satire)
Usually Twitter is the place for ranting, but today Twitter is what I’m going to rant about.  So I brought the party here.  Grab your popcorn folks, this ones gonna be a doozy.

Patch 6.1 brought many changes, but arguable one of the most radical was Twitter integrations.  The patch notes explain it best.

“Twitter Integration
Characters can now send Tweets for items, achievements, and screenshots from within the game client using the /share command.
To activate this feature, visit Social options in the Interface menu to enable, add, or disconnect a Twitter account.”

In addition to this, Blizzard also added a S.E.L.F.I.E camera as a garrison mission reward.  The S.E.L.F.I.E camera allows players to take a ‘selfie’ or head shot of their character. This picture can also be used in conjuncture with the new Twitter Integration.

I see what’s going on here.  I’m onto you Blizzard!

Stop catering to the filthy casuals!

What has WoW come to?? I remember back in the day how screenshotting was! It took real skill to get that shot just right.  HOURS of preparation to capture that perfect moment!  If you wanted to get a picture of your character you had to wait till they stopped yawning, or bouncing, or looking around, or sniffing to take the shot.  And then, right as you would hit the screencap button, your stupid toon would look away.  It used to take real skill to take screenshots!

Oh look at me, aren't I so cool with my S.E.L.F.I.E camera!

Oh look at me, aren’t I so cool with my S.E.L.F.I.E camera!

Now any filthy casual can do what it once took years of learning to achieve.  Just click on the S.E.L.F.I.E camera and Blizzard will solve the problem for you!  Any brainless mouth drooler can do it, and it makes me sick.

Blizzard is ruining this game!  They are making it stupid easy so any old schmuck can go and take a screenshot!  People liked it when it was hard! Change it back! Vanilla WoW was the best!

And don’t even get me started on the Twitter integration!  What used to take a hundred dollar investment in Photoshop and months of trying to learn the program now is a simple /share command.  Now everyone can post their screencaps without going through the pain of trying to find them in all the files that come with WoW and crop them to be just right!

You know what, I’m gonna boycott the Twitter integration! That’ll show them! That will show them to cater to the casuals! I’ve played this game for 11 long years so I deserve to be appeased.  My opinion matters more than the noobs that started in WoD!

What will happen next? Free Mythic raiding tiers for logging in? Full sets of conquest gear for killing one mob? Rare mounts for turning in any quest? It’s a slippery slope I tell you, and I just won’t stand for it!

It's simple math!

It’s simple math!

This game is dying! Any noob can now take high quality screenshots and post them to twitter.  The game is easymode!  No one will play, there is no challenge!  People loved spending hundreds of dollars and hours perfecting their skills! Don’t you dare listen to the casual’s whining; change it back!
So take to the forums my righteous friends! Give Blizzard a piece of our mind about this keyboard-turning camera! Make them see the truth of their actions! Shout it to the world and don’t let anyone correct you! This selfie camera is the nail in the coffin; WoW is dead!

Filthy casuals ruining the game….

(Disclaimer: I actually have no qualms with either, but it sure is fun to pretend to rant like a hardcore 😛 )