Satire: So You’ve Been Banned for Botting

banned(Warning: Heavy Satire)

My friends you find yourself here because you have a problem.  A problem that I can help you fix.  I know this problem well as I have faced it many times.  Each time I have overcome it.  Let me teach you how to do the same.
So You’ve Been Banned from WoW for Botting
First things first, make sure that you have actually been banned.  Blizzard is a corporation made of pansies and lily-livered ninnies and often times they threaten to do things and never follow through.  Especially when that thing is ban botters.

You see, the truth is Blizzard is terrified of us botters.  We have figured out how to avoid their greedy corporate scheme to actually get us to play the game.  Blizzard is actually scared of us botters; we have found the secret.  No longer must we level, raid, farm, or do anything else at all in game manually.

This knowledge is power, and this power of ours is why Blizzard is so afraid of us.  Always remember, Blizzard fears you.  And because they fear you, they hate you.  You personally.  If they got the chance, they would smash your computer right in front of your face.   Burn all the remains and dance in the ashes.  They have a picture of your face (yours!) and they draw moustaches and horns on it for fun.  Because that’s how much they are afraid and that’s how much they hate.

If you haven’t been banned, great! Continue flashing that middle finger of righteousness to Blizzard by botting.

If you have been banned, continue reading.

But why me?????
As we have touched on before, Blizzard hates your guts with a burning passion.   And as such, they will ban you to spite you.  While they cackle with glee.  In their mom’s basement.  Which is also Blizzard headquarters.  Yeah, they are total nerds like that.

WTF I’ve been botting for 9 years now, why was I caught???
It sounds to me like you are an unlucky one!  As it has been proven time and time again, the amount of time you’ve been botting is directly proportional to your chances of getting caught.  The longer you have been botting, the less likely you are to be caught.  Blizzard is also dumb (did I mention this?) and if they don’t catch you in the first couple months they will never check your account.

Unfortunately this tried and true rule goes out the window when Blizzard does huge ban waves like this most recent one.

Huge ban waves? What does that mean?
Think of it this way: Blizzard is a fisherman.  They only want to catch the sexy silvery fish (us botters) but we hide within a larger crowd of fat ugly fish (all the non botting nerds).  Blizzard is really stupid, so they just throw a huge net in and pull out a bunch of random fish.  They then throw back all the ugly fish, leaving all the sexy fish exposed to Blizzard.  In a situation like this, there is really nothing you can do but pray to the RNGods that you don’t get caught in the net.

Luckily for us though, they don’t often throw out nets since they are so terrified of us clever (and sexy) botters.

This is great and all, but I still banned!
At this point, you must bust out your trusty thesaurus and typing skillz.  This is where you confront Blizzard directly.  Mano a Mano.

Which is the best way tell Blizzard how bleeping stupid this ban is?
There are many good ways to give Blizzard a piece of your mind! Some of these include:
(editor’s note: Please don’t actually do this folks! Blizzard is a company made of real people with real feelings!)

  • Raging on the official forums
  • Harassing them on Twitter
  • Complaining on a botting site
  • Giving them bad reviews on Amazon
  • Sending them a strongly worded letter
  • Driving to Blizzard Headquarters personally
  • Smoke signals of hatred
  • Telling on them to your parents
  • Burning all your Blizzard merchandise

and my personal favorite

  • Creating a United States Petition to get Blizzard to change their ways

What do I say to those maggotbags????
What you actually say has very little importance; the tone is what really matters.  Anger and disgust are a must, throw in some condescending or vulgarity for better results!  Remember to use many exclamation points and profanity.  Blizzard is more likely to take you seriously if you cuss at them.  And use that thesaurus to really get in a variety of swears.   You need to come across as big, bad, and scary.  Remember: Blizzard is terrified of you, use that power!

If all goes well, you should have your account back within 24 hours! Good job, you certainly showed them in a mature and well reasoned way!

I still firetruckin’ banned? Now what???
Obviously you are weak with your words.  Continue to show Blizzard your displeasure and make sure to follow my advice exactly.  Do better next time scrub.

If you for some reason don’t have the fingers to type, voice to shout, feet to operate a car, or hands to create a fire, you can take the second option.  Quit all Blizzard Games forever.  You definitely won’t be back in 6 months when your ban ends! Nope! Not at all! Ha ha, that isn’t a new account, nope! WoW is dying anyway, why would anyone play this stupid dead game? Hah, you certainly showed them!

I give up, I’m just gunna wait out until the ban ends
Do you want Blizzard to win?? Do you want to give in to the corporate greed?? DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO ACTUALLY PLAYING THE GAME??? You sicken me.

Last Words
Never lose sight you your goals fellow botters! We are the supreme WoW players! Unlike everyone else who has to slog through and actually play the game, we have risen above that.  We are the enlightened few who have witnessed the truth! Never surrender, never give up!

And most of all, never manually play the game!!

(Disclaimer: Don’t bot guys, its cheating and foolish.  And don’t spew hatred when you get caught doing something bad.  In fact, don’t spew hatred at all.)

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